Thursday, July 7, 2011

Adam didn't leave Paradise for an older woman, did he?

I’m hearing rumors about a protest in Orange County, the start of a movement in New Jersey. A lot of digit-ation on the blogosphere. People are worried about this older women and younger men thing. They say it wouldn’t be bad if we didn’t flaunt ourselves. But with all the TV shows and magazine covers, Cougar this and that, blogs, voters are feeling threatened. Some are circulating petitions. Soon, we might well have a constitutional amendment.

They’ve got their arguments.

God made Adam first, they say. Eve came later, so she was younger. Clearly that means the Almighty intends for men to wed and bed only younger women. Right?

And why, they wonder, should older women and their younger husbands receive the same legal privileges as normal-aged couples? The lower insurance rates, the marriage deduction–all these are intended to promote the growth of families. But when the woman is older, the odds of biological children is small if not impossible. Maybe they have a point. Sheri and I couldn’t have kids. So why do we get the tax break? Why do we get to add each other to our employers’ insurance policies?


Also, they believe there is something unnatural about us. Someone told me recently that only about 2 percent of married couples involve a significant age gap between an older woman and a younger man. Statistically, there is something wrong with us. It follows that we might be a bad example for kids (that’s what they say). What would happen if all young men started falling in love with older women?

Pandemonium. Bedlam. Social disorder.

In fact, why is Sheri even allowed to teach college students? Is her college wrong to trust her around younger men? Cougars are predators, after all.

We’re grateful this movement hasn’t yet caught the national media’s attention, because once they get a hold of it, whoa! Then, our only hope if the amendments start passing will be that we might be grandfathered. After all, eighteen years ago, we did what the law allowed. We got the blood test in Pennsylvania, paid for our license, had a justice of the peace to do the deed and sign the paperwork. The government in PA says we’re married, that it sanctions our union, and in every other state where we’ve lived, the government there has agreed.

We feel fortunate to have snuck in before the backlash, because for some people it’s not so easy. We’ve got neighbors who will leave our state next month to get married, and then they’ll come back and be our neighbors again, two women who have somehow managed to love each other in a committed, mature fashion, even though one graduated from Michigan and the other from Ohio State. The legislature where we live says they can’t do that and also get married.

Some people in our legislature say that if the state or federal government allows our neighbors to get married it will cheapen the institution of marriage. But marriage isn’t like crude oil. Its value doesn’t rise with its rarity. It’s more like, oh, democracy. The more people who get to vote, the richer it becomes.

So, given that Sheri and I were able to get married despite our outlier status, I want our legislature to let our neighbors and others like them get married right here at home.

Like Dr. King said, injustice across the fence is a threat to justice everywhere.

Lead on, New York.


  1. Oh, my God! I knew I moved out of Orange County for a reason. I may even be the reason they are protesting. I had been living openly there for three years with my boyfriend who is 29 years my junior (don't worry, he is of legal age). We moved, not because people were throwing stones at us, but rather because we love to travel together and so moved toward the middle of the country. The Orange Countians would have likely also objected to my previous relationship: I was married for ten years to a man 15 years my senior. At least it is obvious that I don't age discriminate. I just finished reading your AARP article (yes, I'm that old) and quite enjoyed it. Now I've read all your blog entries and look forward to many more. Thanks!

  2. Thanks, Truefinds. I don't know why I picked Orange County for the satire. Could I have been thinking about Anita Bryant? (I know, I know. Florida was her home; but maybe it was the orange?)

  3. My boyfriend is 28 years my junior (yes, just like Truefinds, he's legal...:) ) people who don't realize our true ages have no problems with us, but when they find out, there is a change. but that doesn't stop our love.

    and Michael...I thought you meant Orange County, CA where all things strange seem to start....

  4. Gotta say, I love your blog. My girlfriend found the article in AARP and had to share it with me. She's 66, and I'm 35. So, I guess I'm him+31.

    What I love most about what I've read thus far, is the offering of a sense of community. Whether it's from being stared at by curious on-lookers on the subway, the way we're portrayed in the media, or the simple dearth of couples out there like us--it's easy to feel isolated sometimes.

    My love is one-of-a-kind, and I couldn't be happier. She's beautiful as-is, without even a hint of cosmetic enhancements...

    But as happy as we are, there are some real considerations--some that I've seen you mention on the site (i.e. childlessness, your deferring to her "rightness", etc.).

    So, thank you for making yourselves vulnerable, and letting us know that there are others out there like us.

  5. Jesse,
    Thanks for the note. We hadn't thought of ourselves as vulnerable -- crusty old coots that we are -- but we kinda like it. So we'll keep trying. Congrats to you and yours on your one-of-a-kind love, and thanks for reading. We hope you'll be back. -- Michael