Sunday, December 11, 2011

Dear B-Frank...

Dear Ben,

Colonial-era sexy
My history professor, who is an old woman and frankly (that’s a pun) kind of hot, had us read a letter you wrote so we could talk about how sex worked in the Colonial era. I raised my hand and said that sex probably worked the same then as it does now, you know, with Jell-o shots and certain body parts, but my professor (did I mention that she’s hot?) means that people didn’t talk about sex the same way or maybe have the same expectations, like the guy didn’t just leave afterward, or maybe he did, but then the next day he ignored her hand-written notes instead of pretending not to get her texts.

My professor (legs like Beyonce’s!) told me we had to write you a letter back. So here it is.

If you watch E! now, you’d think no one ever went out with an old woman before Demi Moore. But your letter shows that it’s old school! I guess that proves what my professor keeps saying: history shows us we’re not so special, and what seems new is probably just unfamiliar.

I’ll tell you what’s unfamiliar. When you say old women are grateful that you date them, I can say honestly that is not my experience. I’ve hooked up with a couple of cougars, some almost thirty-two, and it wasn’t like they were grateful at all. B-Frank, let me tell you: My high school football coach was less demanding than them old ladies. You hook up with an old woman, you’ve got to meet some serious standards. Tuck your shirt in. Pick the French fries up off the car floor.

And Ben, I know your face is on the C-note, but I don’t think that means you should call sex “commerce.” It’s funny to think of sex that way, but mostly these days it’s illegal.

So, all in all, it is an interesting letter you wrote, and I admire your sexpertise. I don't have as much personal experience as you, but I'm paying careful attention when you say that old women get lax in the upper parts while staying plump and firm in the lowers, so you can’t really tell a woman's age in the dark. Let’s hope that’s true for you, too, old man. Because you’re still a couple hundred years away from Viagra.

Your affectionate friend,


  1. I love your blog. We giggle, consider, nod in unison (sometimes) and look forward to your posts. I think I've stopped trying to make this relationship wrong, too hip to continue, silly and unrealistic. You've helped with that. Wise as he is, he's often said "roll with it". I have started to just enjoy the process, love the man, admit out loud when he's right (frequently) and snuggle in. Lovely to hear that it works in the real world through time and seasons and pension plans. Thank you for sharing who you are in this creative way.

  2. I'm sure one mark going to the positive column is your right-on sense of humor. And I was just beginning to question whether I want my husband to acknowledge that his wife will be seventy in the coming year. I wonder whether he ever uses my age as an excuse; I know I do that often... excuse his youth when I find it convenient. All I can say in this dire economic time is that it's fortunate that ONE of us is getting a government check. I can't imagine being with any other person in this world. Everything, including age, is a tradeoff. You get; you give. It's all in how YOU choose to handle it. It's comforting to remember that we aren't the only couple rowing in this boat.

  3. Hi, there, trund and deltabornandbred. We're glad you stopped by to read and brought along your sense of humor and your general good sense. And, delta, Happy forthcoming big-significant-birthday! I hope there's still a government check available for Sheri when the time comes.

    Stop by again, and stay happy...

  4. I am 16 years older than my husband. We've been married 14 years and in a relationship for 22 years. I am interested in revieweing your blog. Sounds like fun. I will be anonymous for now.